When I look back on Paisley’s first year of life I remember when they placed her on my chest, I remember the magical connection caused by breast feeding, i remember how she looks at me and reaches out when she wants me to pick her up, and I remember the feeling I got the first time she waved, when she stood up, and the first time she played peek-a-boo.
What I don’t tend to remember very quickly are all the times I wanted to pull my hair out because I couldn’t get her to latch. The times she hits me when I say no or throws herself backwards because I take something away. I never really think about all of the diaper blowouts and sleepless nights. Or the stretch marks and the labor pains. Oh goodness, those labor pains.
That all makes it so easy for me to
utter scream the phrase, “I want another baby.. LIKE NOW.” Its like when you look at your baby, that beautiful baby, none of the bad stuff seems so bad. But I have to keep those thoughts in check.
If I don’t keep those thought in check then I’ll wind up barefoot and pregnant pretty much nonstop for the next like 10 years, and my logical side knows I can’t handle that,.
My brain knows that the next time I have a baby I’ll be complaining about back pain and sciatica and the idea of having to fund another mouth to feed. I know that there will be times when the next one tries my patience, and when all three kids are trying it all at once.
But my heart, my heart knows I’ll be over it about ten minutes after I see their face. I’ll be over it when they kiss me after they hit me because I said no, I’ll be over it when I look at them and know… that I made that. That WE made that.
For now I have to drown out the motherly instincts, the emotions, the hormones that make me want another one. For now I have to trade all of those things for logic. But someday, someday I’ll be that kind of miserable again, and I can’t wait!